Shawn is staying overnight with Mila tonight and Zoya and I are at the Ronald McDonald House. As I laid down to help Zoya fall asleep, I drifted in and out of delirious sleep and awake states, completely exhausted from my lack of sleep over the past several days. I kept feeling for wires and tubes and looking up trying to find monitors. The stress of a hospital stay in ICU with your child is unbelievable. I feel like I'm already having PTSD. I keep replaying the hard parts, along with the miracle parts. There is no way we could have gotten this far without prayer from all of you. Even more than handing her over, and waiting to see her again, the hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk into that ICU room and see her swollen little body with all those tubes and wires. Oh it broke my heart to see my baby like that. I couldn't hold back the tears. '
And then a burst of emotions came flooding in....I was paralyzed by the thought that Zoya went through all that alone in Ukraine after her heart surgery. It felt like too much to handle. I got light headed and nauseous, not from the medical stuff we were seeing, but from the thought of both my babies going through this. I was blindsided by the thoughts of Zoya and the sandess and pain I felt at that moment even though Zoya's surgery was almost 2 years ago in Ukraine. We never got to love Zoya through her surgery and I'm so grateful, as excrutiatingly difficult as this was, that we got the chance to love Mila through it. I simply can't imagine not being there by Mila's side and it makes me so sad when I think nobody (including me) was by Zoya's side through it all.
I worried that putting Mila through this surgery would hurt the bond and trust we've built, but it's been just the opposite. I have come to love Mila even deeper than I did before her surgery. I finally let go of my worries of losing her and just full out loved on her and begged God to let us keep her. I realized how much I already loved her and how much a part of our hearts she already was. I can't explain it in words, but going through this experience with her only solidified our love for Mila and her love for us. This experience has glued us together. God used this terrifying open heart surgery to help us love more deeply. To God be the glory! Mila is one of the strongest little girls I've ever met. So many times as I watched the intense interventions needed so that Mila could successfully recover from this major surgery, I couldn't help but stand in awe wondering how in the world she lived this long with only a fraction of the medical care in her life in Ukraine. Her life is simply a miracle. That's the best way I can put it into words. She makes me really believe and understand that there is nothing impossible or too big for our God.
Celebrating tonight, with continued prayers for another good night and a possible discharge tomorrow. What an amazing Christmas Miracle! I couldn't ask for anything better this Christmas!
|Check out her color!!!!!|