I was rocking Zoya before bed tonight with tears in my eyes thinking about how much I was going to miss her. She picked my hand up and positioned it so that I was giving her a big hug. I love how she does that....if we're snuggling and I move my arms she picks them up and wraps them around herself just begging to be snuggled more. As I held her so tight tonight I thought, how could she have not always been mine? And then I remembered that she always has been. God planned our family long before we ever gave it a thought. I cannot imagine loving her more completely. She is my heart. It is a love I never could have imagined existed prior to becoming her mama. She and I were made from the same soul cookie cutter.
Why am I writing this on baby girl's blog? Well because as these thoughts were going through my head, I also started thinking about how, very soon, I'd be holding my second daughter thinking the same thoughts and not being able to remember life without her. Zoya has only been home a year and a half, but it feels like I have been her mama my entire life. As I held Zoya I thought about her beginning and all the little steps that made our our journey to her. I thought about how we got on that airplane and traveled over 5,000 miles, having no idea what we were about to experience. I remember feeling a lot of the same emotions I'm feeling now. The surreal feeling is the same. Wondering and imagining, and dreaming about our first meeting is like the feeling of being a kid on Christmas morning times TEN! The anticipation paired with the adrenaline makes for a pretty emotional mama. Wondering what that first moment will be like, how she will feel in my arms, what my initial reaction will be, so so so many thoughts and feelings swirling and building in my head and heart.
So as I held Zoya tonight I imagined holding our new baby girl a year from now loving her just the same as I love Zoya....coming to the realization that God's plan was the best plan all along despite all the twists and turns this journey has taken, and being thankful that we chose to follow God's lead. Before meeting Zoya, I could have never in my wildest dreams imagined where we would be a year and a half later. I get excited thinking about meeting our new baby girl and dreaming of where we will be a year and a half from now. So many good things to come.....
I wish I could find the words to convey everything my heart is feeling but there simply aren't words that exist to match the feeling in my heart tonight!