I feel like this marathon should have been finished weeks ago when we returned home safely with Mila. With Zoya's adoption, after being home for 2 weeks, I had been able to begin letting my guard down and adjusting to our new life. The big mountains had been moved, the huge goals were accomplished, there was no longer any immediate worry of losing her (to the system or due to health issues)....we could finally exhale.
With Mila, I feel like I'm still holding my breath. I feel like I can't celebrate without reservation just yet. I know there is already so much to celebrate, truly, I do....but I still have reservations about having a full-blown happy party because I know how serious the upcoming surgeries are. I'm waiting to exhale. I've been holding my breath so long, trying to rest and trust in Him, but it is hard. I long for the day that I can breathe easier and look back on this scary time from the other side of the timeline. I almost cried several times today just looking at her knowing what lies ahead for her in the upcoming weeks.
How in the world am I going to do this? I mean, lets face it, I cried when I passed Zoya over to have TUBES put in her ears! I'm going to be a wreck. I have to put my trust completely in God....I just wish it was easier. Nobody ever promised it would be easy, but I never imagined it could be this hard! Come Monday I'm going to feel like a fool because I'm going to be an emotional mess, I just can't imagine having peace about this or not breaking down. I think because we've already gone through so much just to bring her home it takes things to a whole new level....since I haven't let my guard down yet but I haven't really allowed myself to "go there" completely either.....I think Monday is going to be difficult to say the least. I have so many fears that I refuse to even type because then they become "real" fears instead of just fears in my head....if I type out my worries I'll be giving fear the upper hand and I can't go there. Every time one of "those" thoughts pops into my head I dismiss it as soon as it enters because I simply can't go there.
We're raising our hearts to heaven and praying hard.
Tomorrow they will let us know what time Mila's airway surgery is scheduled for on Monday. We are hoping it is very early in the morning. One parent is allowed to spend the night in ICU at her bedside which was a pleasant surprise to find out! So I will stay overnight with her (Shawn drew the short stick...haha). (Grandma B. will be staying with Zoya) We are praying that her recovery goes well and she won't need to be there longer than one night. If we are discharged on Tuesday as planned, we will have to return Wednesday for her open heart surgery pre-op appointment for the surgery date of Monday, December 19th. They only do the pre-op appointments on Wednesdays so there is no way of combining things. Our plan is to celebrate Christmas on the 17th and head back to Pittsburgh on the 18th.
And to end this post on a good note....just because it's my blog and I want to ;).....Mila had an appointment for her flat head at Shriner's today (another post another time since this is really the least of our worries) and she weighed in at just under 13 pounds and 25.5 inches!!!!!! Remember we started at 7.5 pounds and 21 inches just 7 weeks ago!! She is starting to get chub on her thighs....I just love seeing her grow. She is a fighter. She is already a drama queen, I can't imagine how much more of a drama queen she will be once she is feeling 100%!!! I love my Sassy Diva (Zoya) and my Drama Queen (Mila). Wouldn't want them any other way...they are perfect!
With Mila, I feel like I'm still holding my breath. I feel like I can't celebrate without reservation just yet. I know there is already so much to celebrate, truly, I do....but I still have reservations about having a full-blown happy party because I know how serious the upcoming surgeries are. I'm waiting to exhale. I've been holding my breath so long, trying to rest and trust in Him, but it is hard. I long for the day that I can breathe easier and look back on this scary time from the other side of the timeline. I almost cried several times today just looking at her knowing what lies ahead for her in the upcoming weeks.
How in the world am I going to do this? I mean, lets face it, I cried when I passed Zoya over to have TUBES put in her ears! I'm going to be a wreck. I have to put my trust completely in God....I just wish it was easier. Nobody ever promised it would be easy, but I never imagined it could be this hard! Come Monday I'm going to feel like a fool because I'm going to be an emotional mess, I just can't imagine having peace about this or not breaking down. I think because we've already gone through so much just to bring her home it takes things to a whole new level....since I haven't let my guard down yet but I haven't really allowed myself to "go there" completely either.....I think Monday is going to be difficult to say the least. I have so many fears that I refuse to even type because then they become "real" fears instead of just fears in my head....if I type out my worries I'll be giving fear the upper hand and I can't go there. Every time one of "those" thoughts pops into my head I dismiss it as soon as it enters because I simply can't go there.
We're raising our hearts to heaven and praying hard.
Tomorrow they will let us know what time Mila's airway surgery is scheduled for on Monday. We are hoping it is very early in the morning. One parent is allowed to spend the night in ICU at her bedside which was a pleasant surprise to find out! So I will stay overnight with her (Shawn drew the short stick...haha). (Grandma B. will be staying with Zoya) We are praying that her recovery goes well and she won't need to be there longer than one night. If we are discharged on Tuesday as planned, we will have to return Wednesday for her open heart surgery pre-op appointment for the surgery date of Monday, December 19th. They only do the pre-op appointments on Wednesdays so there is no way of combining things. Our plan is to celebrate Christmas on the 17th and head back to Pittsburgh on the 18th.
And to end this post on a good note....just because it's my blog and I want to ;).....Mila had an appointment for her flat head at Shriner's today (another post another time since this is really the least of our worries) and she weighed in at just under 13 pounds and 25.5 inches!!!!!! Remember we started at 7.5 pounds and 21 inches just 7 weeks ago!! She is starting to get chub on her thighs....I just love seeing her grow. She is a fighter. She is already a drama queen, I can't imagine how much more of a drama queen she will be once she is feeling 100%!!! I love my Sassy Diva (Zoya) and my Drama Queen (Mila). Wouldn't want them any other way...they are perfect!
You will be a mess. Accept it and embrace it. There's no blueprint for how to handle scary surgeries for your babies. Right now get good sleep, eat good food and enjoy your girls.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for your sweet angel. I can only imagine how scary it must be for you to deal with these upcoming surgeries. I will pray that everything goes smoothly for your sweet precious Mila. She is so beautiful, just like her sister!
ReplyDeleteIt will be ok, she has a family to help her get through it! There is nothing harder than handing our beloved
ReplyDeleteChildren over but it is what we need to do. Thankfully she is in great hands! You will cry because you love her!! Hugs!!
Your little ones ARE perfect, sassiness, drama and all! I noticed the chub on Mila's thighs in the Christmas pics....squeezable!!! Holding you all close in prayer as surgeries approach. It's only natural that you would have fears and it's no use pretending they don't exist. But your faith will get you through this time and you will come out on the other side of this. It's like going on a trip and just wanting to be there...forget the prep and anticipation. Obviously this is a much bigger deal but I know you are just wishing it were over NOW. And it's ok to cry and be a "mess". That's the cry of your heart...and God hears you! Praying, praying, praying!!!
ReplyDeleteAnne B.
You know what? I obviously don't know all Mila's medical details, but I am a doctor, and my intuition says she will be fine. The fact that she stayed alive in the orphanage for so many months without cardiac care, and as much as she has thrived in the short time she has been with you tells me she'll survive and thrive. Praying for you all.
ReplyDeleteYou're a Mamma 100%! Those emotions are all normal and although some are scary and hard to have, each and every one strengthens your love for those girls. Nobody worries about their babies like Mammas do. I'll be praying for some peace for you.
ReplyDelete