Would anyone really expect my mind to be anything other than jumbled with only TWELVE days until we board a flight and fly over the ocean once again? So there are a million things on my mind and I'm just going to write as the thoughts flow through my brain tonight.
Up until a few days ago I was feeling a lot of anxiety. I was trying to micromanage every little detail of this adoption-from travelling to leaving the girls when we go, worrying about finances, crunching numbers over and over, worrying if we will get Curlie Girlie's referral, and on and on. Monday was a whirlwind day with receiving our travel date and being invited to travel in two short weeks!
Monday night as the adrenaline started to wear off a bit, I sat and prayed and poured my heart out. I thanked the Lord for everything good in our lives, and then I just begged Him to come along side us, allow us to feel Him closer than we ever have before. I actually had to pray that God would give me a desire to want to spend more time with Him. Because clearly, lately, many things have been going on and I haven't made as much time as I should have to just pray. But I KNOW we can't do this, we don't WANT to do this, WITHOUT His guiding light. I spilled out my heart....my worries....asked Him to help me surrender all control over this situation. There are two times in my life that I felt the closest to the Lord. One of those times was when we first met Zoya, and the other was one night in the CICU after Mila's open heart surgery.
I so badly want to feel that closeness again, and I find that it happens when we spend time in prayer and surrender all control and just hand everything over to the Lord.....when we place all of our cards on the table and just say, "Here I am so broken and desperate and I NEED you; I am nothing without you." So that is exactly what I did Monday night. I have felt the Lord walking along side us in tangible ways since then. I have felt a peace come over me. I have seen the Lord's promise coming true before our eyes in so many ways since that prayer Monday night.
I've been so excited to share "our" story with others lately. I want people to know our story because they can't possibly hear it without seeing and knowing God's love. Our adoption stories have NEVER been about us. Adopting children with special needs isn't some noble act of strength and courage that we should be applauded for. We are simply following (and not even really bravely to tell you the truth) what we believe God is calling us to do. We're learning to have faith-which means walking in the dark not knowing when the light will turn on. We're learning to give up control joyfully and know that we don't always know best in this life. We hope that when we share our story with other in the coming days that all the glory will be given to God. We hope that when others look at us, we can shine as an example of love and redemption. We hope that others will watch our journey unfold and praise God with us for all he has done in both our life and our soon-to-be-daughter's life.
To think in just over 2 weeks we will be holding our daughter, looking in her eyes and telling her she'll never be alone again....well that right there moves me to tears. We continue to pray that the Lord would prepare her heart for us and our hearts for her. Please join us with your prayers. We would love to know you are intentionally praying over our family as we embark on this journey!