Monday, September 26, 2011

Rise (A Difficult Post)


“Yes I will rise out of these ashes; rise from this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground I will rise.  Cause He Who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise”
~Shawn McDonald, Rise

In this post I wrote about how I clearly feel God has big plans for Laina and how he has only revealed little pieces of the puzzle to us. I truly felt that with all my heart but I didn’t know what it meant. But, I was trusting….we were trusting.  On Wednesday we were given another little piece of Laina’s puzzle.
That piece is this: Laina will not become our daughter. 
This post is somewhat impossible to write, but I’m praying for the right words.  If you could hear a heart shatter, you’d probably hear mine (and Shawn’s) breaking into pieces.  Obviously, our hearts are broken.  I fear some may not understand the grief that we feel for "losing" a child that we never met.  But she was our daughter in our hearts and always will be. I imagine this is what a late term miscarriage might feel like emotionally. Her room is ready, the 5 letters on her shelf spell out her name L-A-I-N-A, her picture is on our refrigerator, her clothes are washed and hanging in her closet, her big sister runs into her room and yells out her name with a smile, her bassinet is waiting next to our bed, her big girl crib and soft blankets are prepared for her.  And in an instant, our dreams for our life with Laina as our daughter were brought to a screeching halt. Sad doesn’t even begin to cover it.
In talking to Andrea from Reece’s Rainbow and then our facilitator in Laina’s country, we learned that although her family has signed away their legal rights to her, her mother does not appear emotionally ready for her daughter to be adopted. Now you’ve all heard the bittersweet stories of birth families who’ve come back for their babies after an adoptive family has committed to them, but this story will likely not end that way.  Of course God could write the story that way…it would be a true miracle.  I believe that her mother needs more time before her heart is ready for her to be adopted.  With the level of involvement and the emotional state of the birth mother, it would be unlikely that a judge would ever rule in our favor to become her parents at this point in time, even though she is “legally” an orphan.
Even if the court decision had nothing to do with this, it has never been our intention, as an adoptive family, to take a child from a family who is emotionally distressed.  We could never live with that guilt, nor is that why we got into the adoption world. The reason we chose adoption was to give a child a family…a child who didn’t already have a family.  Laina has a family. At this point in time our hearts do not consider her an orphan.  She has not been abandoned and her mother is not ready to let her go emotionally.  They did not ask for us not to come, but in addition to their obvious emotional distress, made it clear that their hopeful involvement in her life went beyond even the most open of adoptions.  Maybe they want a better life for her and at the same time,  desperately wish circumstances in their country were different and would allow them to parent her.  But it must seem to them that there is no perfect option at this point. They have to choose between two choices , neither of which feel right at this point.  This isn’t black and white, there is so much grey area and that’s where everyone always gets lost….in the grey.  I can see how they would obviously be torn.  I can understand the magnitude of this emotionally charged situation.
So, with knowing everything we know (not all of which I have disclosed) we agree with our facilitator that it would not be a good idea to pursue Laina’s adoption.  Our hearts grieve at the thought of our daughter laying in that orphanage, when she could be home with a family….whoever that family may be. Please pray for the birth family, that they would see God’s plan for their daughter, whatever it may be.  I don’t understand a lot of God’s plan here with Laina, I have to be honest. But I can’t believe His plan is for her to spend her life in that orphanage…visits from her birth mother or not.
International adoption can be messy and scary. We went into this fully aware that it might turn out this way (well not exactly this way, but you get the idea). This is a perfect time for Satan to sneak in and  sneer  “Where is your God now?”  Well we know our God is carrying us through, even if it doesn’t all make sense now.   Our faith will not be shaken.  Out of these ashes we will rise. 


I can’t WAIT to share with you the second half of our story that will surely glorify God.  I will give you a little hint as to not leave you hanging….we WILL be travelling to Eastern Europe very soon and God-willing, we will bring home the child that God has always known would be our daughter.
Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”



Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. Please keep them coming. You can pray specifically for peace for the birth parents, pray that God would protect Laina physically and emotionally, and that Laina will end up with her family...whenever and whomever that may be. For us, please pray for healing of our hearts, continued peace through this wild ride, courage to trust God no mater where He leads us, and an ability to stand strong through it all. Thank you friends.

29 comments:

  1. Praying for your family for God to show his wisdom of the plan he has laid out for you.

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you always.

    XO

    :)

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  2. Beautiful friend, sitting at my kitchen table in tears. I prayed for you, for Shawn, for Zoya, for Laina before I opened this post....I have no words. Only that I know how hard of a struggle it is to trust that this all works for the greatest good there is, for His glory. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, pretty much how I imagine you feel right now...I'm here for you sweet friend. whatever you need, I am here. R.

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  3. Broken hearted with you - but trusting in His plan for your famiyl and for Laina.


    Brooke
    www.TheAnnessaFamily.blogspot.com

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  4. Oh I am so sorry to hear this! We went through an "adoption miscarriage" before and it is so much more grievous than anyone can imagine. Praying for God to restore your JOY. We later went on to adopt the most wonderful little boy in the world! I'm so excited to hear you are still going to travel to EE and pursue the adoption of the child God has planned for you all along. Keep us updated on who this child is!!! We'll keep praying for Laina's family...that possibly they would be able to take her home and that things would change in their country...maybe God could use them to begin the process of that change? I'll be checking your blog often for more updates!!

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  5. I just started following your blog recently and am oh so sad to read this. I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. I hope Laina's future is bright and that she is loved and cared for.
    Anne - Wisconsin

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  6. I can't imagine the sadness you are feeling. Please know prayers are going up for your family and Little Laina's.

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  7. I am so sorry that this has happened! While reading this I wanted to just jump down and leave a comment but had to finish the post first... only to find that your 2nd half is what I was going to write about. You are such an amazing mother to Zoya and to any child that is brought into your family... Some things are not in our control and the path to get there is hard and hurtful at times but this is the path chosen for you. Dont look back too much because good things are coming your way :)

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  8. Oh Sarah,
    I only got a glimpse of what this pain might feel like when we thought we might lose our little guy this summer before we were able to travel. I'm praying for peace for each of you in the midst of your brokenness. Praying for Laina that all of those around her will be able to choose the best for her as well.

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  9. Praying to our amazing Lord that sweet Laina's life will be filled with lots of love and promise, wherever she is at. Also praying for peace and comfort in your family's hearts at this difficult time.
    Hugs from Montana. xxx

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  10. There just aren't any words... I'm sorry. I just pray that God will take the broken pieces of your hearts and put them back together in a way that you will be able to hold even more love in your heart for both these children, more than you can even imagine. Praying for your whole family.

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  11. You and your family will be in my thoughts as you move through the grieving process and continue your journey. Your blog for Zoya was and continues to be such an inspiration to me as I journey to finish my own adoption.

    Min-aha

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  12. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and my heart aches for your family.

    But... I am looking forward to learn of your upcoming journey and to "meet" the child who will be coming home with you in the near future!

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss. We are praying for your family and Laina. God's reasons my never be revealed to us but know that His way is always the best. Keep trusting and remember He loves Laina and will be walking by her side now and forever.

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  14. I have never posted before but wanted to share our story of hope with you. We had an adoption fall through. Having had several miscarriages, you are correct-the feelings are similar. One of my friend's termed it "a miscarriage of the heart." Several months later, on the VERY day that the first baby was due to be born, we found out about a pregnant teen who wanted us to adopt her baby. Three weeks later I was the proud mama of a beautiful little girl. I was amazed at God's timing and plan BUT HE wasn't finished yet. Defying all the dr's odds, I soon found out I was pregnant and gave birth to a little boy who was born on the EXACT date we had found out about the adopion that had fell through. Twice God showed us how He uses His perfect timing to place the child HE wants in your home. Please take comfort in the fact that HE IS IN CONTROLL and there is a beautiful sweetie who God has selected and picked out ready and waiting for you. I will uphold you in prayer over the next days and weeks till you see the completion of HIS plan. I have a sneeky feeling it is even greater than you can imagine. Love and Hugs, Jo Ellen

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  15. I'm so sorry for you. CareBear said it all so well just above, I cannot do else than agree with her.

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  16. Oh Sarah, my heart is broken too. I am praying for peace for you, Shawn and Zoya as you grieve. I am praying for Laina's birth parents as they face hard decisions, and for the glory of God to be evident to all as the rest of your adoption story unfolds.

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  17. My heart is breaking for you as well! I will be praying for your family during this time!

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  18. I am so sorry to hear this news. We will be praying for you and your family as you grieve the loss of Laina and for Laina and her birth family.
    We will also continue praying for God to guide you to that child He is calling you to adopt.

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  19. Oh how my heart aches for you reading these sad news!!
    PRAYING for GODs PEACE for you, Shawn and Zoya!!!
    PRAYING for LAINA and her family!!!
    Love, Christina

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  20. Please know you will be in our prayers in the time of heart break.

    Mandy

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  21. I feel so invested in your story, that my heart breaks for all of you! I am so sad at this! Surely Gods plan is not for laina to lay in a crib, just to eventually be transferred. We will be praying.

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  22. Sarah, Shawn and Zoya I am so sorry for your broken hearts. Even though Laina will never be with you physically she will always be yours in your heart no matter where she lives. I know God has great plans for you guys. God Bless you guys during this difficut time. Our prayers and thoughts are with you always. Trust in the Lord he will show you the way.

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  23. My friend there is nothing more defining than the love a mother has for her child. Now where and when that child is for that mom does not change her love. Your love was and still is for Laina as it should be for a mommy and a child. While Laina may not be your daughter who is coming home she is your daughter who lives within your heart and that my dear friend is something no one can ever take away from you. Luv ya my friend!

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  24. Oh my goodness, my heart just jumped out reading your blog. I am a silent reader, but not today. Just wanted you to know you have another person praying for you. So sorry to hear the news. I hope you continue to blog on your new journey to EE. My you feel God's Holy presence over you throughout your journey.

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  25. I am so sorry. I have felt this loss before. We thought and planed for this little guy to be our son. I imagined doing everything with him and bought him clothes. I did not work out. I am sorry and thinking and praying for you. I am excited to see what the Lord does. He is so faithful.

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  26. Oh Sarah...I am so sorry to read your post. I can't imagine the loss that you and Shawn are feeling. I will keep your family, Laina, and Laina's birth family in my prayers...

    Stephanie Lynch

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  27. I am so sorry for your loss. It is like losing a child. As you know this happened to us too then almost instantly we found our child. I still long to see the child we lost adopted and loved by a mama and papa. I will pray for all involved. Be blessed
    Ashlee

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  28. Hi Sarah,
    I recently stumbled upon your blog from the Reece's Rainbow site and went back to the beginning to read about your whole journey. I am from Pittsburgh and have a family member who was in the middle of adopting from Russia just a couple months ago before everything happened. After reading all about Laina I was just curious if you ever found out what happened to her? Was she ever adopted?
    You have a beautiful family and I truly enjoy following along with your blog and seeing your beautiful girls!!
    Carrie Brooks
    cmb5211@gmail.com

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  29. Hi Sarah,
    I recently stumbled upon your blog from the Reece's Rainbow site and went back to the beginning to read about your whole journey. I am from Pittsburgh and have a family member who was in the middle of adopting from Russia just a couple months ago before everything happened. After reading all about Laina I was just curious if you ever found out what happened to her? Was she ever adopted?
    You have a beautiful family and I truly enjoy following along with your blog and seeing your beautiful girls!!
    Carrie Brooks
    cmb5211@gmail.com

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