Rise (A Difficult Post)

“Yes I will rise out of these ashes; rise from this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground I will rise.  Cause He Who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise”

~Shawn McDonald, Rise

In this post I wrote about how I clearly feel God has big plans for Laina and how he has only revealed little pieces of the puzzle to us. I truly felt that with all my heart but I didn’t know what it meant. But, I was trusting….we were trusting.  On Wednesday we were given another little piece of Laina’s puzzle.

That piece is this: Laina will not become our daughter. 

This post is somewhat impossible to write, but I’m praying for the right words.  If you could hear a heart shatter, you’d probably hear mine (and Shawn’s) breaking into pieces.  Obviously, our hearts are broken.  I fear some may not understand the grief that we feel for "losing" a child that we never met.  But she was our daughter in our hearts and always will be. I imagine this is what a late term miscarriage might feel like emotionally. Her room is ready, the 5 letters on her shelf spell out her name L-A-I-N-A, her picture is on our refrigerator, her clothes are washed and hanging in her closet, her big sister runs into her room and yells out her name with a smile, her bassinet is waiting next to our bed, her big girl crib and soft blankets are prepared for her.  And in an instant, our dreams for our life with Laina as our daughter were brought to a screeching halt. Sad doesn’t even begin to cover it.

In talking to Andrea from Reece’s Rainbow and then our facilitator in Laina’s country, we learned that although her family has signed away their legal rights to her, her mother does not appear emotionally ready for her daughter to be adopted. Now you’ve all heard the bittersweet stories of birth families who’ve come back for their babies after an adoptive family has committed to them, but this story will likely not end that way.  Of course God could write the story that way…it would be a true miracle.  I believe that her mother needs more time before her heart is ready for her to be adopted.  With the level of involvement and the emotional state of the birth mother, it would be unlikely that a judge would ever rule in our favor to become her parents at this point in time, even though she is “legally” an orphan.

Even if the court decision had nothing to do with this, it has never been our intention, as an adoptive family, to take a child from a family who is emotionally distressed.  We could never live with that guilt, nor is that why we got into the adoption world. The reason we chose adoption was to give a child a family…a child who didn’t already have a family.  Laina has a family. At this point in time our hearts do not consider her an orphan.  She has not been abandoned and her mother is not ready to let her go emotionally.  They did not ask for us not to come, but in addition to their obvious emotional distress, made it clear that their hopeful involvement in her life went beyond even the most open of adoptions.  Maybe they want a better life for her and at the same time,  desperately wish circumstances in their country were different and would allow them to parent her.  But it must seem to them that there is no perfect option at this point. They have to choose between two choices , neither of which feel right at this point.  This isn’t black and white, there is so much grey area and that’s where everyone always gets lost….in the grey.  I can see how they would obviously be torn.  I can understand the magnitude of this emotionally charged situation.

So, with knowing everything we know (not all of which I have disclosed) we agree with our facilitator that it would not be a good idea to pursue Laina’s adoption.  Our hearts grieve at the thought of our daughter laying in that orphanage, when she could be home with a family….whoever that family may be. Please pray for the birth family, that they would see God’s plan for their daughter, whatever it may be.  I don’t understand a lot of God’s plan here with Laina, I have to be honest. But I can’t believe His plan is for her to spend her life in that orphanage…visits from her birth mother or not.

International adoption can be messy and scary. We went into this fully aware that it might turn out this way (well not exactly this way, but you get the idea). This is a perfect time for Satan to sneak in and  sneer  “Where is your God now?”  Well we know our God is carrying us through, even if it doesn’t all make sense now.   Our faith will not be shaken.  Out of these ashes we will rise. 


I can’t WAIT to share with you the second half of our story that will surely glorify God.  I will give you a little hint as to not leave you hanging….we WILL be travelling to Eastern Europe very soon and God-willing, we will bring home the child that God has always known would be our daughter.

Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. Please keep them coming. You can pray specifically for peace for the birth parents, pray that God would protect Laina physically and emotionally, and that Laina will end up with her family...whenever and whomever that may be. For us, please pray for healing of our hearts, continued peace through this wild ride, courage to trust God no mater where He leads us, and an ability to stand strong through it all. Thank you friends.