Thursday, October 27, 2011

Beautiful things

 All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way...
I wonder if my life could really change at all
 All this earth, could all that is lost ever be found?
 Could a garden come up from this ground at all?
 You make beautiful things....
 You make beautiful things out of the dust...
You make beautiful things out of us
All around, hope is springing up from this old ground....
Out of chaos life is being found in you
You make me new, You are making me new
*Lyrics from "Beautiful Things" by Gungor

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I cannot even begin to tell you how astounded I am by my fast and furious love for my daughter Mila. God makes beautiful things. Like a beautiful garden growing from an empty ground, my love has sprung. As I sit back and think about what the Lord is doing in my heart it truly is a beautiful thing. I worried I couldn't love another child like I love Zoya. I worried that after losing Laina my heart wouldn't be able to love a child that wasn't her. I laugh when I think about those worries now because I can tell you I already love Mila with the same intensity and depth as I love Zoya. Only a week after meeting our second daughter, my heart is already forever changed. Mila is sewn into my heart in a way that will never be undone.  God is doing beautiful things.

This morning for our visit, I peeked my head in and didn't see any caregivers right away but I saw Mila laying in her crib all alone just crying. It broke my heart. Someone comented about hearing the cries of the other babies in the background. It is heart wrenching to listen to the cries and screams sometimes through our entire visit. This is a good orphanage by orphanage standards. But it is not a home. Love isn't in the job description of the caregivers. They are caregivers, not parents.  There are not enough hands to pick up the babies and love on them...there are only enough hands to get their basic needs met.  Lately during our visits the cries of the other babies have really been piercing my heart. It is so hard to sit there and listen to them cry, knowing they just need love. For Zoya's adoption it was different....her groupa was older....by that point they had learned not to cry for the most part because it never did any good. These babies haven't yet learned that, so they still cry as their only way of communicating their need for love and nurture.

If you've even had the tiniest whisper to look into adoption of orphans in Eastern Europe, please don't ignore it. Oh there is such a need for mommies and daddies for these lonely souls. I wish I could reveal to each and every one of your hearts the pain my eyes have seen in the eyes of orphans. People sometimes feel guilty for wanting to adopt a younger child because maybe they are not facing imminent transfer to a mental institution, but oh how I wish these babies could all be rescued before they begin to understand their fate, before the damage really starts to set in. 

Mila is changing so much in such a short time. She smiled more tonight than we've ever seen before. She still has big eyes taking it all in. Her soul seems so old and so aware. She knows we are her mommy and daddy. She knows that it feels good to be loved and she can't get enough. I am having such a hard time leaving her at the end of each visit, knowing she will just go back to her crib until we come back the next time. I keep telling her soon enough it will all be a distant memory. She watched videos of Zoya on Shawns phone for a good 5 minutes straight without taking her eyes off the video. She smiled when I tickled her. She snuggled her Daddy and stared into his eyes while he loved on her. She looked at me when I said "where's mama?" She is changing before our eyes. As I looked at her tattered and torn clothes with her toe poking through the hole, all I could think was that her outside appearance does not reflect the internal changes and beauty that we are witnessing. Soon enough sweet Mila bean....soon enough.

12 comments:

  1. Not quite: you have supported an unethical adoption system, purchased a kid and attempted to get other people to pay for her (soliciting donations).

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  2. I have been following your journey, and I think both of YOUR girls are beautiful and amazing. I absolutely love how Mila's hands form a heart in the last picture! Just perfect. Congratulations!

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  3. I love the last picture.. It's like she is making a heart with her hands :)

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  4. Precious!!! It is amazing to see how she is blossoming in such a short time. She already looks like she has grown. You can tell she loves her mommy and daddy already! Praying for all 4 of you.

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  5. So, you keep on inspiring us all with your photos and your words and your feelings, Sarah. Thanks for sharing it with us. I am holding you all in my heart. Love,Liz

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  6. We are just starting the process (have just commited to our little peanut, and are in the homestudy process). I think one of the hardest things will be knowing that when we hear the cries in the orphanage we will only be taking one/maybe two, little ones home with us. I wish so badly that we could bring them all home. I am so so happy that Mila has found her mommy and daddy. Bless you :)

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  7. Your writings are just incredible Sarah! Thank you for sharing what so many of us have a hard time putting into words! There is not a day goes by that I don't think of all the other children over in EE. It's heart wrenching. She is a beautiful baby and how amazing she will be with 2 great parents and an incredible big sister.
    Many hugs to you from Orlando
    Kim B

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  8. Hello, I have been following you for about a week now. I had to comment, as I felt so touched by this post. That song you quoted is one of my husbands favorite. I'm so amazed at the transition Mila has made in such a short time just from getting love...brings tears to my eyes. My husband and I are contemplating adoption, it's been on our heart forever. I may have to contact you sometime to ask you some questions when you're more settled. Thank you for sharing your beautiful journey! I pray that you can bring her home quickly! Blessings, Kimberly

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  9. This is beautiful. I'm praying for your family, I know God has got a plan for it all!!

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  10. I also just love that last picture!!! As I watch her grow to love you both, I cry!! I cannot wait to get to my son!!

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  11. You are so right - EVERY child deserves to be wanted, loved, and cherished - newborn or older, good orphanage or scary mental asylum, physically healthy or medically needy - EVERY one of these lost children needs a Mommy and a Daddy to find them and bring them home.

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